The Sixers hired Elton Brand today to take over the GM position that has been vacated from the firing of  big collar having ass , Bryan Colangelo.

Elton Brand, great guy, above average basketball player who’s career got railroaded by injury’s, big basketball IQ and well respected around the league has worked his way up from the G-League to take over the position of GM of the 2019 NBA Champion Philadelphia 76ers. This hire is great because I have inside sources that say Elton Brand carries a hammer.

Philadelphia sports have been known to sign players that carrier hammers. Nick Foles, Super Bowl Champion Nick Foles has the nickname “big dick nick” for a reason, the guy somehow smuggles a kielbasa in those tight ass football pants every Sunday and preforms at a high level. Odubal Herrera, Philadelphia Phillies outfielder has had a picture on the internet in the locker room with no pants on, damn thing almost touches his knee, how can you be a speedster and steal all those bases with that log swinging between your legs, nobody knows. New jack on the block is Elton Brand, former Sixer, former Delaware 87ers Coach. I have some insider information saying that Elton Brand in fact and a big swinging dick also.

The year was 2010. I was on vacation with a few of my cousins in Atlantis. For those who don’t know, they have a huge casino there with a sportsbook. Little did i know at age 20 i would become a full on degenerate gambler. I was legally able to drink, sit in this sportsbook with wads of cash and just sit there as my soul was ripped out game after game, it became enjoyable, to this day i love the thrill of gambling. I don’t always win, i don’t always lose but the trill of it is what takes the cake. Anyway. So, i’m sitting there at the sportsbook, wearing my Phillip Rivers Chargers jersey as a true Charger fan would do on football Sunday. I’m watching the pony’s race with no clue at what i’m watching, this man sits next to me and asks how i’m doing, i answer with a “eh you win some you lose some” he chuckled. This man sitting next to me was Keith Jones, former Philadelphia Flyer. I had no clue for a while until one of my cousins came up to me and goes “Jonesy, that you?” i felt embarrassed as i am a Flyers fan but nobody would have known cuz i was sporting a Chargers powder blue Rivers jersey. We shook hands and continued to chat a bit. He eventually left and went on about his night.

As i got a few drinks in me and actually started winning a bit, i look over to the craps table, and i shit you not, ROY WILLIAMS is there shooting the shit at the craps table and guess who is there with him ELTON FUCKING BRAND. I have totally forgotten the North Carolina basketball team was in town scrimmaging against the Bahamian National Team. A North Carolina team that consisted of Harrison Barnes, Tyler Zeller and Kendell Marshall. I walk over and shake their hands in awe. Tyler Zeller, how can you miss that monster, i proceeded to shake him and Harrison Barnes’ hands and wishing them bad luck because i am a HUGE DUKE FAN, yikes. As this is going on, my cousin walks up to the craps table and asks Mr. Roy Williams for a picture, Roy tells him no, but my cousin wouldn’t let up, Roy Williams was his idol and needed that picture. My cousin asks over and over until Roy Williams goes “KID, IM WINNING HERE YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO WAIT” He eventually waited and got the picture but ill tell you what, Roy was not happy, having Roy Williams yell at you and something you put on your gravestone.

I go back to the sportsbook just to have my heart ripped out because i took the Cubs that night when Carlos Zambrano, “elite” Carlos Zambrano was supposed to be pitching but was a last minute scratch, not a happy camper. My cousin goes to the bathroom for a quick pee break. He’s standing there at the urinal, completely dazed from a full days of drinking, he takes a glance to his right, looks down, looks up and goes ” E.B? holy shit EB whats going on” It was Elton Brand standing in the urinal to the right. Crazy situation. My cousin comes back to tell me the story and he goes “EB was packing some heat down there” We all laughed because of the fact that he took a glance, but thinking back, who wouldn’t, i mean c’mon.

In conclusion, Elton Brand packs a hammer, that’s my story and i’m sticking to it.

Best GM in Sixers history is ready to take the wheel and lead us to multiple NBA Championships.

-Wood