The 2024 football season is at the presuppose of erupting all over the North American people. Many cannot contain their excitement as they edge themselves closer to the start of football by sitting around with their fellow heterosexual Friend group. It’s bonds like these that are held together by the strings of the football season, much like the string used to pull a tampon out a young boys asshole in a Minnesota Elementary school, That make this country so great, Again.

UPCOMING: Forecasting the upcoming fantasy football season with Pre-draft speculation and pre-post-draft. Although it may be premature, I will be doing my best to forecast the outcome of this years fantasy season. Using data and unbiased opinions from previous years, here are my rankings starting from the bottom.

10. Patti F.

Paty might not even end up drafting a team this year. He will be facetiming in from another state because there was a family emergency he needed to be there for….Oh wait BREAKING NEWS – Pady will actually be drafting from a local distillery about 30 minutes away from where the draft is being held. TBH you cannot fault PatE for that, he will always choose alcohol over his friends, VERY typical for a man with his character/reputation/criminal history.

• Strengths:
  • Can fit through tight Holes.
  • US Citizen (Legally)
• Weaknesses:
  • Bad Person
  • Mean friend
  • Bad Hygene
  • Disliked by his local respected law enforcement.
  • Doesnt share
  • Not a lot of draft dollars

PREDICTION: Paddi will draft the worst team and finish dead last: 0-1-12

9. Cory (Kyle Savidge as his Proxy drafter)

This year Cory will also be away, He is on a Disney Cruise with a bunch of Suite Life of Zack and Cody fans. At least Cory has an excuse since he is 500 miles away. Kyle will be drafting for Cory and if anyone knows football better than Cory, its not Kyle. However that may be a good thing, Cory is by far the worst drafter in the league, maybe bringing in someone with a possible mental disability could improve his team in the long run. A great parallel for this draft strategy is that of the past four years in the United States. Cory will be the face of the team but Kyle will be the one pulling all the string while Cory falls down stairs and eats ice cream.

• Strengths:
  • Two people are better than one?
  • Cory has a high sex drive
  • Cory isnt drafting the team
• Weaknesses:
  • Kyle doesnt play fantasy football
  • Kyles Foreskin needs to be clean 5 times a day – he may have to step away mid draft to take care of himself
  • Kyle got head last night from a single month of 4, he may bot be focused.

Prediction: 2-14

8. Rick Carey

Ricky has about $156 draft dollars and Gay Rhett Wilson as his keeper.

• Strengths:
  • Average T Levels
  • Will be a father at some point this season
  • TBD
• Weaknesses:
  • Can’t reach the top shelf in his pantry.
  • His idol just quit his job- he hasn’t been the same since.
  • getting a little bit fatter every year.

PREDICTION: 3-10-1

7. Matt Carey

Overview: Meet Matt Carey, the quintessential fantasy football strategist whose meticulous attention to detail and love for data analysis make him a formidable opponent in any league. Armed with spreadsheets, charts, and a vast array of stats, Matt is the nerd you want on your team if you’re aiming for a championship. This year, Matt is set to draft a well-rounded team that balances star power with reliable depth, all while keeping a close eye on emerging trends and player metrics.

Draft Highlights:

1. QB Cornerstone: Expect Matt to grab a top-tier quarterback who offers both stability and upside. Whether it’s a seasoned vet or a rising star, he’ll meticulously weigh the pros and cons, ensuring his QB choice has the potential for high fantasy points.
2. RB Resilience: Matt’s running backs will likely be a mix of established performers and high-upside sleepers. He’s known for his ability to identify breakout candidates and avoid the injury-prone. Look for a blend of reliable workhorses and dynamic playmakers.
3. WR Wonders: His wide receiver corps will be built on a combination of top-tier talent and savvy picks. Matt will likely focus on high-volume targets and touchdown threats, aiming for consistency and explosive potential.
4. TE Target: Don’t be surprised if Matt grabs a top-tier tight end early, valuing the positional advantage it offers. If he decides to wait, expect him to secure a solid, high-upside option later in the draft.
5. Defensive Prowess: Matt’s approach to defense and kicker will be strategic but understated. He’ll likely wait until the later rounds to fill these spots, focusing on high-value picks and matchups rather than chasing big names.

Key Strengths:

• Analytical Edge: Matt’s nerdy passion translates into a keen eye for statistical anomalies and emerging trends, making him adept at spotting undervalued players and potential sleepers.
• Draft Preparation: His thorough pre-draft research ensures he’s always a step ahead of the competition, with a draft strategy that adapts to the flow of the draft.
• In-Season Management: Matt’s strategic approach doesn’t end with the draft. He’s a master of waiver wire pickups and trades, using data-driven insights to optimize his roster throughout the season.

Potential Weaknesses:

• Overthinking Moves: Sometimes, Matt’s detailed analysis can lead to overthinking, causing him to second-guess or hesitate on key decisions.
• Risk Aversion: His preference for reliable players might occasionally result in missing out on high-risk, high-reward options that could pay off significantly.

Season Outlook: With his knack for balancing risk and reward, and his dedication to analyzing every possible angle, Matt Carey is poised to draft a team that’s both competitive and resilient. His nerdy approach might not always be flashy, but it’s effective. Expect a strong showing from Matt’s team, driven by strategic decisions and a commitment to maximizing every player’s potential.

PREDICTION: 5-5

3. Alec Brackin

Alec Brackin’s fantasy football team is set to turn heads this season with a blend of high-risk, high-reward picks and savvy late-round steals. Known for his bold strategies and unpredictable moves, Alec’s squad is ready to surprise and dominate. Get ready to see explosive performances and unexpected victories—it’s time to unleash the Brackin!

• Strengths:
  • A lot of fantasy dollars and a strong keeper
  • High T levels
  • Owns a large Collection of vintage playboy magazines
• Weaknesses
  • Never sold his Gamestop Shares
  • Doesnt like Kyle Savidge
  • Barbecue sauce on his fingers
• Prediction: 7-2

8B. Nate GROSSman

Nate is bald, lets face it. He is gross. He us hard to look at and he is dumb, He doesnt know anything about football or the female anatomy (just ask his wife, am I right?). Nate has no draft dollars and no dignity, I would be surprised if he won a single game.

• Weaknesses:
  • High T levels – causing his male pattern baldness
  • Very Horney – however he never busts
• Weaknesses Pt.2:
  • Hairy where he shouldnt be

2. Baker

Got sunburnt on my trip.

After years of never winning anything in fantasy football Mr.Swagz may have finally figured it out.

Predation: 6-6-2

1. Chris Mano

This isnt Chris Mano, but he kinda looks like him

I have a feeling.

Predation: 9-1-1

3. Chris Dick and Larc

My biggest predition of the year is that Chris and Larc will Join Forces to win it all.